What is up with that?

It seems that lately there have been lots of celebrities ragging on each other in public. While I know that most of them are talentless soul suckers, and that our society has difficulty differentiating between famous people and talented famous people, I think that it is odd that artists would rag on each other.

Everyone has their own opinion, god knows I do, but the whole thing about people disparaging their peers in a public forum is distasteful and seems incredibly negative for the artistic community at large.

There are a few recent examples that come to mind, like Faye Dunaway saying Hillary Duff is not a real actress, and then Duff rebutting by saying Faye is old and unknown and ugly. Musicians do this all the time: Lily Allen hates Katy Perry, All American Rejects hate Lady Gaga, etc.

And while all this is find and good in the privacy of your own home or in your own social circle, it's a bit disconcerting that artists find it so easy to trash each other to the media. It's so petty and childish and unnecessary.

It bugs me.

Let's support each other people. This shit is hard enough as it is.

yums.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

That's a joke in L.A.

I don't think I know anyone without some kind of food issue or at least with occasional bouts of physical insecurity to say the least.

I think the worst part of being an actor isn't the constant rejection, or living in near poverty, or even feeling perpetually stigmatized for being an actor - it's the constant awareness of having to be physically perfect.

And I don't care what people say about embracing your body or being happy with what you are given because the honest truth is that none of that matters. Being thin isn't good enough when you are an actor in Los Angeles. It just isn't. No matter what anyone tries to say. You have to be in AMAZING shape because every single person out there works out like they are training for a fucking marathon.

Nothing is ever enough when it comes to physical perfection in the film industry.

And it sucks. And I hate complaining about it because it is tired and cliche and embarrassing. But it's a reality. And believe me I think that for the most part I have a very healthy perspective on food and my body.

I know I am a thin girl. I know how to eat healthy and am one of the few who actually enjoy it. I could do yoga every day of my life if I could afford it and/or if the gym gave me that option.

What sucks is that in order to be anywhere near the competition of everyone else not only does one need to actually work out 2-3 hours a day ( i am not exaggerating) but one also has to starve themselves. It isn't possible to be as thin as the girls that go to my auditions are and eat. I know they don't eat. They just can't. They are all bones. It's not fair. I love food. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world and yet no matter what I do it's a constant battle to not hate myself for every bite I put in my mouth.

And let me reiterate that I think I am a very healthy person with a pretty healthy attitude towards eating and exercizing. But it's that constant nagging in the back of my mind every day that I just cannot get rid of and that I know I won't get rid of until acting is no longer my profession of choice.

I don't like to complain about it precisely because it IS my choice, but every once in a while, it just gets frustrating. I hate exercizing my brains out. I hate always thinking about the reprecussions of every thing I put in my mouth. And of course the obsessing over it leads to insane binging. Though I haven't gone through my entire box of Girl Scout cookies yet so I win today.

I think it has been 4 years since I ate a pancake.

end rant. We won't speak of this again.

I recall:

A couple weeks ago I auditioned for a health care company to be a part of their educational theatre children's program, which could a. be fun and b. be steady employment which is always a novel concept.

I was insanely sick during the audition and had to sing a song so I thought for sure I wouldn't get a callback but I did, and I'm so glad because the callback was quite fun.

Since it was for a company that required a good amount of theatre training they had extensive callbacks involving dancing, movement, improv and even attempts at putting sets together. It was like some kind of weird theatre camp. The first half of the day they had us dance and do improv, afterwhich about half of the group was let go. Luckily my friends and I got to stay on for the rest of the day when we read from lots of different scripts.

It was weird because I was expecting some really intimidating callback experience with terrifying improv (because for the most part I abhor improv) but the stuff we did were exercizes reminicent of the first day of movement class in the BFA. I am talking total cake. Thank god the BFA kicked our asses when it did so now I can pretty much handle anything thrown my way.

The whole day was super fun because of the fun games and such and hanging out with my friends, but I didnt get the job. Which I am actually glad I didn't because I watched SICKO last week and remembered that this corporation is the devil and I am too young to sell out to the devil.

I may be broke and stuck but I still have my principles. Or so I tell myself.

On another note, am thoroughly obsessed and in love with Hedi Slimane's artwork, I think there will be an exhibit around here soon, though I may very well be incorrect about that. He just did some pieces on Lindsey Lohan and Courtney Love that were good, albeit irritating individuals.

Obviously, my fave is my bb Louis:

Eeep.

The Screen Actors Guild National Board of Directors today voted 73% to 27% to “reject the AMPTPs last, best and final offer dated February 19, 2009.”

Wonder what this means for me.

Oscar

I don't think I can remember the last time I enjoyed an Academy Awards program as much as I enjoyed this year's.

I like to think that it is because Hugh Jackman is the host that it was elevated to a new level of greatness because he is a true song and dance man who knows what it takes to entertain and be fantastic. No one can put a show on like he can because he is a genuinely talented indivudual and regardless of whether you enjoy musical theater or not everyone enjoys a good show. And Hugh Jackman knows how to put on a good show.

Overall the telecast seemed like a real celebration of film and it's artists which is so often lacking in Hollywood and in the film industry. It's so easy to get lost among the shuffle of making money and doing stupid crap commercials and listening to a barrage of idiots talking about being in the "industry" and you forget that at it's core film is about making art on a grand scale through a medium that has the capacity to reach millions of people. That is amazing when you take the time to think about that. The potential that every film has to make such an overwhelming impact in people's lives.

What a good year for movies and for artists. I hope one day to merely be considered an artist among the giants that are creating such beautiful work.

Hmmm.

When I got to my audition yesterday for the VO it looked pretty easy and straightforward, just read a few lines into a microphone. I even asked the guy running the mic or recording machine or whatever it's called to point out exactly which line I was supposed to say because there were about ten different lines on my side.

But of course, as soon as they say go, I read the wrong fucking line.

The guy running the microphone told me the wrong line to say.

This would only happen to me. I was trying to be as cautious as possible by asking just so I would look ready and prepared. But no. He had to ruin it for me. He whispered a little "sorry" to me as I was leaving but of course no one heard him but me. So I look like the idiot. Right after I started the incorrect phrase about 8 different people in the room start yelling "wrong! stop! other line! no!"

So of course that threw me off and I'm sure me other readings of the correct line were awful.
Total waste of the ONE audition I had all week. I hope the actors vote on the new contract that the AMPTP offered today, because this is lame.

Wing It.

Have an audition in the morning for a voice over for Old Navy I believe. I haven't ever auditioned for a VO job before and I don't really know how I came to get it, I am assuming Sheila submitted me for it.

Not quite sure how one even goes about auditioning for a VO job but I can probably wing it. As long as I don't feel rushed and everyone is nice I don't expect to feel too cornered.



I don't think I have ever encountered an audition situation that I cannot handle or that has been overly terrifying. I can thank the BFA program for that. I think I have pretty much suffered every indignity and had to face every fear I have thanks to that. Except for my fear of snakes. That will just never go away. Sometimes I consider moving to Ireland just so I never have to worry about encountering a snake ever again.

I co-hosted Mariana's radio show tonight as her usual co-host, Kenny, slept through pretty much the entire broadcast. It was really unfortunate for poor Kenny. It happens to the best of us though. I called in and chatted for two hours since it was the pre-Oscars show so I could definitely talk about that for a while. It was quite fun and entertaining for me. I think about 12 people listened! That seems like a pretty good amount seeing as I was completely random and people were expecting Kenny.

I definitely don't have a radio voice though. The sound of my voice grates my nerves. I don't know if this bodes well for my audition tomorrow. We shall see i guess.

Have not been able to fix my Actors Access account.

Been working alot of my website, hopefully I will finish it soon. I got some amazing advice from Sage about how I can rework it and make it easier to navigate and keep casting directors interested.

The whole "actors need a website" phenomena is still kind of odd to me. I just need to get used to it because I know it is just another marketing tool that will help me in the end. I just hope someone actually looks at it!

I think it's just that whole thing I have about self promotion that seems a bit odd to me. It's probably where I am lacking the most. I just am not the kind of person who can squeeze out every last contact and beg people to put me on their shows and things like that. I don't like kissing ass and I don't like selling out. But I know that to a certain degree I have to do some of it. It's just frustrating because I feel like it is so unauthentic. I know women who go out on dates with ADs to get their SAG vouchers and get work on shows and it just is sooo not what I want to do. I can't just go to a club and network and meet every single tool who calls himself a writer or director and ingratiate myself with them to put me in their work.

Hopefully more legitimate means like my website, my representation and even this blog can get me seen so that I don't have to subject myself to all the LA grossness.

If I was this cool I wouldn't need to kiss ass:



p.s. This gross rain needs to stop. It does nothing for my frizzy hair.

Le Sigh.

I messed up my Actors Access account and cannot remember what email or password or username I was registered with.

All that info was on my old computer that died.

Trying to figure out how to recover it. I really don't want to have to start over.

Nutballs.

Escape from LA

I spent today in Santa Barbara with my FAVORITE playwright and main gay, Chris Pena. About two years ago I was in his play Five Letter Word and I played Apple, the saucy girl next door who gets knocked up.


(Josh Keeler, Grant Gerard, myself, Tash Himebauch, Josh Heisler, Grover Anderson)

Chris just got his masters from NYU and is working as a resident artist at a few theatres in the NYC. As per usual, he tried to lure me to move to Manhattan with him with promises of lead roles in his new shows and alcohol-sodden dinners with Mary Louise Parker and the lady who plays Mrs. Waldorf on Gossip Girl.

It'd be so nice to live in the city for a while, I've always wanted to, but the thought of starting the whole process of moving, finding representation, learning to navigate the city and everything that goes along with being an actor in NY seems too daunting. I don't think I would have the energy to start over now. But I know that eventually I will want to live there for some indeterminate period of time, though my extreme aversion to cold does a pretty good job of scaring me away. I'm still trying to figure out how long to give myself in L.A. before I jump ship. But then I think that's not a very good attitude to have. I don't mind if it takes a long time to develop a career so long as it does eventually develop and I have a long lasting one. But is that realistic? What is a good timetable to have, if any?

Also, no one parties like Manhattan gays and lord knows I can't resist them.

OH random! I was walking down State Street to meet Chris at Dargans and I look to my left and see Grover Anderson playing his guitar on the corner! It looked like there were lots of dollars in his guitar case. Nice work Grover. If I could play an instrument (well) I would totally be a street performer. One of my favorite things about SB is that they embrace the street musician/homeless person.

Alec Baldwin rules at everything. SNL again! Too bad it is tainted by the Jonai. Men: please stop flat ironing your hair. This includes you Chris Pena.


p.s.

I made lots of Valentines today. It was very creative of me. Sparkly puffy paint and everything.

I've been seeing a good amount of theatre lately, mainly with my friend Sean. We try to make it a point to go see lots of shows and Sean knows people and gets us free tickets to CTG shows so that is awesome.

It's a terrible misconception that there isn't any good theatre in L.A. There is lots of good theatre it's just difficult to find. Other than the big famous ones like CTG, The Pantageus, etc, you really have to dig around and make an effort to find things. I really only know about the theatres because of friends who have performed at them. Since it's mainly 99-seat theatres anyone can book a performance space and sometimes the shows are just straight up heinous. I'm starting to develop a pretty good idea of what shows are worth my time and which aren't. Or so i think.

The problem with auditioning for theatres in L.A. is that since anyone can book a space it's difficult to know whether you are auditioning for a legitimate or quality show. I get called all the time to audition for shows that are held in "co-op" theatres and I haven't really figured out how I feel about the whole idea of paying dues to be in a performance. It is bad enough that non-equity actors don't get a dime but then to have to pay for it? Granted today I did submit myself for a co-op theatre doing Little Women but the 13 year old girl in me couldn't resist the opportunity. I guess if I get an audition I will just scope it out and see if it looks legit.

I could also ask around more. I think I need to get more people's opinions on how to navigate the theatre scene. It seems more untamed than the film industry and while it's awesome and there are lots more opportunities, it gets confusing as to how to maneuver even getting an audition or who to submit to, or what theatres are the correct ones to audition for.

Anylifeisconfusing, last weekend Sean and I went to go see a staged reading of a new musical called Bermuda at the Broad Theatre in Santa Monica. My friend David Largman Murray wrote the book and lyrics and Bobby Halvorson composed the music. Emily Wiesberg was the director, she was my AD for an awesome show I did in Santa Barbara called bobrauschenbergamerica, more about that later. Bermuda was awesome. As is any show written by David, it was hilarious, and strange and smart and just transported you to this insane world that was so kooky and yet the audience just totally accepts it and goes with it. I had such a good time, it's so important for me to see theatre that really speaks to me and that reminds me why I put up with all the crap that goes on with the daily grind of it all so that maybe one day I can be a part of something new and fresh and awesome. It's also so nice to see my friends doing well and really creating beautiful stuffs.



Ty Foster played guitar. It was kind of amazing.

The week before that Sean and I went to the Kirk Douglas Theatre which I had never been to before and absolutely loved! It is a 99-seat so it was small and intimate but it was in a beautiful building with a really nice lobby. I was mainly excited because we got there so early that we found good parking and had time to drink some wine before the show started(that was my favorite part). This is rare for Sean and myself as we are usually sitting in traffic, cursing everyone and just barely making it to our shows. The show was called Taking Over and was a one man show about the gentrification of Brooklyn. Interesting and well done, he was a fantastic character actor, which must be so much fun - but at the end of the show, the actor broke character and tried to justify his play! It was so bizarre and completely took me out of the moment. I did not heart that at all. It seemed so self aggrandizing and obnoxious. Just let the audience decide! If they don't like it - oh well! It's nice to see people make mistakes and see what kind of things I wouldn't want to incorporate in my own work and what works and what does not. The audience definitely did not seem receptive to this.





Need to make an effort to keep seeing more good theatre. And to audition for more. I've been looking for some new monologues and reworking the old ones so that should be good motivation. Sometimes I feel like I probably have 80 different monologues and lines from plays just rotting in my brain.


I really don't know why my posts have been so long. That wasn't my intention. Editing. That's a problem I have on stage and in life. Le sigh. I will work on it. Though is this too long? I do not know.

Oh, hello!

I'm finding myself having to justify starting a blog. I have always completely rejected the internet in every capacity, so much so that I am the last of my peers to have gotten a Facebook. I got it last month. My mother has had a Facebook account for a year now.

For the most part, my belief has been that people who have blogs/myspace/facebook/etc. are fulfilling a narcissistic and voyeuristic need to know everything that everyone is doing at every possible minute, and of course, that everyone is just DYING to know your every move. I generally believe that if you have to justify something, you probably shouldn't do it. And yet here I am. Justifying.

First of all, I think it is kind of going to be nice to have someplace to express my thoughts on the insanity that is trying to build some kind of legitimate acting career. Granted, I could write in a personal journal and hide it under my pillow like I used to, circa 1998, but that seems almost more emo than just having a blog and my handwriting is painfully atrocious. I've always loved writing, and knowing that I have an audience (even if it is just my mother) may force me to follow the rules of grammar and practice writing in a way that is hopefully articulate and entertaining.

It really seems like everyone has a blog right now, and few are relevant or even remotely intelligent so I don't expect to have any kind of impact on anyone by doing this except possibly myself. Focusing my thoughts will hopefully keep me motivated and thinking creatively.

People who have blogs who shouldn't:
Mischa Barton
Kim Kardashian
Kanye West
Paris Hilton

The aforementioned people use their blogs solely to discuss themselves in a capacity that is purely narcissistic. They gain no artistic value from it, nor does their audience really learn anything in the way of their personal philosophy, work ethic, or level of intelligence. They use the internet for all the reasons that I hate the internet.

People who have blogs and definitely should:
Margaret Cho is hilarious. enough said. But she surrounds herself with intelligent people, is herself intelligent, and therefore, can express intelligent, reasonable thoughts. When you read about her experiences in comedy, film, or in her personal life you can not only relate to her, but there is a sense that she is an individual who is striving for personal growth. She is also the only woman on the list and I didn't want to seem sexist since almost all of the people who shouldn't have a blog are women.

Kanye West I know what you are thinking - "but Lourdes, he is on the list of people who should NOT have blogs!" But seriously, as insane and narcissistic as Kanye West is, he also delivers some of the most brilliant gems that internet blogging has to offer. (is the phrase internet blogging redundant?) Let's not lie, his music is rad. He has great taste in clothes. And he writes ALL IN CAPS. If you can make it through a Kanye blog without having your brain explode from trying to read the electric blue writing and being screamed at in CAPS, you are rewarded with the verbal carnage that Kanye spews while trying to express himself. Maybe his brilliance just doesn't translate well to blog? WHY CAN'T WE JUST LET HIM BE GREAT?

Ricky Gervais is the reason that I have decided to embrace the blog whole-heartedly. His blog makes babies laugh and unicorns jump over rainbows. If someone as hilarious and intelligent and awesome as Ricky Gervais can have a blog, then I can too. He makes everything in the world better.



I could probably think of more but i am tired.

I don't think that all of my posts will be this long, I am just justifying for my own benefit.



Oh, yeah, acting. hmmm. Well the week is almost over and I haven't gotten any auditions. It's been fluctuating so much lately I don't even know what to expect. Some weeks I have up to four auditions and then I can go weeks without even hearing from my Manager. Sometimes I think she forgets about me and then accidentally sees my contact info laying on the floor and decides to submit me for something to assuage her own contractually obligated guilt. Usually a Subway commercial. I rule at auditioning for Subway commercials.

Today I saw a Subway commercial that I auditioned for about a month ago. It was actually pretty cute, there were people jumping around and dancing because they really wanted a footlong sandwich. I auditioned for the girl who was the "sandwich artist". I got a callback but no avail. C'est la vie.

I worked alot on my website as well today, another new and strange facet of acting that is apparently now required of all actors. It seems everywhere I go the internet is looming close behind. But I'll talk more about that at a later date. I need to finish watching the Colbert Report and go to sleep. Babies await me tomorrow.

Welcome

to me.