yums.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

That's a joke in L.A.

I don't think I know anyone without some kind of food issue or at least with occasional bouts of physical insecurity to say the least.

I think the worst part of being an actor isn't the constant rejection, or living in near poverty, or even feeling perpetually stigmatized for being an actor - it's the constant awareness of having to be physically perfect.

And I don't care what people say about embracing your body or being happy with what you are given because the honest truth is that none of that matters. Being thin isn't good enough when you are an actor in Los Angeles. It just isn't. No matter what anyone tries to say. You have to be in AMAZING shape because every single person out there works out like they are training for a fucking marathon.

Nothing is ever enough when it comes to physical perfection in the film industry.

And it sucks. And I hate complaining about it because it is tired and cliche and embarrassing. But it's a reality. And believe me I think that for the most part I have a very healthy perspective on food and my body.

I know I am a thin girl. I know how to eat healthy and am one of the few who actually enjoy it. I could do yoga every day of my life if I could afford it and/or if the gym gave me that option.

What sucks is that in order to be anywhere near the competition of everyone else not only does one need to actually work out 2-3 hours a day ( i am not exaggerating) but one also has to starve themselves. It isn't possible to be as thin as the girls that go to my auditions are and eat. I know they don't eat. They just can't. They are all bones. It's not fair. I love food. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world and yet no matter what I do it's a constant battle to not hate myself for every bite I put in my mouth.

And let me reiterate that I think I am a very healthy person with a pretty healthy attitude towards eating and exercizing. But it's that constant nagging in the back of my mind every day that I just cannot get rid of and that I know I won't get rid of until acting is no longer my profession of choice.

I don't like to complain about it precisely because it IS my choice, but every once in a while, it just gets frustrating. I hate exercizing my brains out. I hate always thinking about the reprecussions of every thing I put in my mouth. And of course the obsessing over it leads to insane binging. Though I haven't gone through my entire box of Girl Scout cookies yet so I win today.

I think it has been 4 years since I ate a pancake.

end rant. We won't speak of this again.